My feelings toward whatever nagual energy I possess have changed quite a bit over the years. At first, I knew nothing about it so it seemed very cool. Then, as I learned more about it, I started to think it was a thankless burden which would be better to avoid. This feeling changed when I saw that there would be some personal benefit to me, it I was a nagual, so it started to look more like just a job. But, it wasn't a role that I had to play, as I was just having a good time doing my scout thing, and I was really beginning to hope I could just scout my way to freedom and cut out the middle man. When Don Juan started talking to me in dreaming, and putting the focus squarely on me, the whole issue of being a scout vs being a nagual became very disturbing, because I could finally see how closely connected with the death defiers I had been and how black a path that was. I could see everything that a nagual could do but still not be one, and I didn't care because I had access to two of them, and being with them is far easier than trying to be like them. But, the pressure was there to transform, because they saw that not doing that would be fatal for me, that I would just turn into one of those black insect sorcerers, or worse, and that would be the end of me one way or another. So, my attitude was just do your thing guys and transform me and I'll do my best to hold it together. This has been a challenge to say the least, as it is excruciating to witness the black path when you don't want to be on it, there is an overwhelming hopelessness more than anything else. In the middle of this storm of transformation, there have been little rays of delicate light, a kind of energy that I have never seen in myself ever before. It is always different, like looking at previews of different movies, but instead of movies they are dreams, and I'm not in these dreams as much as they are actually emanating from me. I didn't know this was even possible, to go beyond just radiating energy but actually having dreams flow out of me, without intending or even wanting it to happen. But here's what I noticed when it happens, I can feel the thing that causes it, and it isn't me, it is the spirit, which I know sounds nebulous, but I can't figure out any better way of defining it. The universe touches me, and I light up faintly for a few minutes, but that light is not really for me or about me, it flies off somewhere for somebody else, and it has nothing to do with my intent or comprehension, yet I can see and feel it clearly. The internal response that I have to these events is simply, "wow, I'm serving a useful purpose without even having to stress about figuring anything out, this is such a relief." All I do is put my intent on letting Don Juan and Maximilian move my assemblage point in the right direction, and the rest takes care of itself. The difference between this and what I did as a scout was that my intent before was to dream my way to all the most amazing things that the universe has to offer, even if they were horrifying. Hard to believe I know, but it seemed like I was just being a fearless adventurer, I didn't really want to focus on the fact that I was an agent of old sorcerers calling themselves "the black hand." at first, even though that should have always been my primary concern. The nagual energy that is being sent through me is all positive, much better than I had even hoped it would be. I feel like a television transmission station which is being used to transmit beneficial programs to watch, I know it is happening but I don't know who is watching, but I'm happy to be involved as its all good.
Brak komentarzy:
Prześlij komentarz